I read Judy’s post about her son’s adoption not being ’second best’ compared to having a biological child, and it got me thinking about my son’s adoption.

The fact that my FIRST choice in “how to become a parent” was to adopt (totally bypassing the very idea of doing it the ‘natural’ way) is an abstract concept that is often misunderstood…

… but I don’t feel guilty that my son was adopted.

As far as stereotypes go, I’m probably the MOST hated ‘adopter’ (at least in the anti-adoption world) in that I’m simply seen as ‘baby stealer’ - my child came to me as a first choice and I had no intentions in my lifetime (for as far back as I can remember!) to ever have a biological child.

Therefore, my fertility (or lack thereof?) had zero to do with my son’s adoption. In the eyes of certain groups not desiring a biological child further proves me to be a baby-stealer.

While some see adoption as a “second choice, that last resort” to parenting, I see my son’s adoption as simply my selfish desire to become a parent. Further, I truly believe that ALL parents who adopt do it for this singular reason, regardless of any pre-adoption circumstances that might have lead to their decision to adopt.

Although I fully admit to my naivety about the many negative aspects of a ‘closed’ adoption at the time I adopted, I have earnestly tried in the years since to educate myself and right the wrongs (or at least do my best to acknowledge the mistakes in my thought-processes) that I see. I do acknowledge my son’s losses, while also recognizing that I have lost nothing, and gained everything. I do include his family as much as possible (I spent much time and money to find his First Mother) in our discussions and celebrations about his life, even though most of his biological roots are elusive to us and is First Mother’s desire for contact is inconsistent.

While I struggle to find my way though a closed adoption (one that I chose, and only now understand the difficulties and complexities that my son and I both face) I see other adoptive parents in good, healthy and beneficial open adoptions - and yes, I’m jealous. I wish with all my heart that I could ’share’ (for lack of a more articulate word) him with who he deserves to be with.

BUT I can not change the past or how my son became my son - the fact is, I’m proud of him, and he is my son because of adoption.

Adoption was my first choice, I never thought of becoming a parent by any other means.

As an adoptive mother, I/we don’t celebrate “Birthmother’s Day”…

… I believe in celebrating my son’s First Mother on the same day that we celebrate my motherhood - on “regular” Mother’s Day.

I believe that I should decide how to celebrate my son’s First Mother, and as ATK gets older, I believe HE should decide how to honor her when/where/if he wants to do so.

I believe that because I am not a birthmother, I don’t have the right to tell birthmothers how to celebrate themselves as mothers. If they find it appropriate (comforting/empowering/easier) to celebrate “Birthmother’s Day” then they have that right.

I don’t think there is any harm in those who want to celebrate “Birthmother’s Day” so long as they also recognize the fact that a mother is a mother is a MOTHER - and that they don’t criticize those who believe in celebrating Mother’s Day for anyone who is a mother (by any way).

I don’t agree with some (adoptive) mothers who feel compelled to make a sharp separation between their child(ren)’s birthmother and themselves, on a day that, by definition, celebrates mothers - all mothers. In fact, I see the necessity to define a mother as “not enough of a mother to be recognized as a mother on a day for mothers” as a blatantly obvious sign of jealousy or insecurity (or both).

I also don’t agree with the idea that celebrating mothers (of all kinds) should only take place on certain ‘defined’ days, or by someone’s idea of which day ‘belongs to’ whom.

Last year I managed to get myself kicked off of the adoption forums because of these thoughts - a year later, I’m still sticking to my guns. Celebrate Mother’s Day as you will, but without the dismissal of any particular ‘group’ of mothers.

I reject your (Birth)Mother’s Day reality and substitute my own.